You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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