remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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