Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
