woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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