I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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