i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
