she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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