it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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