It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
