I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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