It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My hand turned me down
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
