he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
