I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
