I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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