This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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