it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
