just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
