I will die if light touches me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
