how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
