I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
