sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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