dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
