When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
