i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
even my farts smell like vagina
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
