Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
