I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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