The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
