so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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