i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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