Apparently you make a good broom.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
