the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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