All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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