I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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