ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
