I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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