god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
