i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
