it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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