apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
