If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Are my feet made of real feet?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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