i already hear my dad disowning me
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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