I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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