Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
