R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
