Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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