We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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