I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
