my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
