If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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