i jhust puked up my retainher.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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