Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
