I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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