umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
