my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize