Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
