I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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