I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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