if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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