just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
