I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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