my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize