My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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