I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
