she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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